Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
