At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
