Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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