How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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