I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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