I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
