Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We're too hungover to prance.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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