you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
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When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
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Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?