I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
