you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
