Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
A+ Viking dick
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
