I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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