I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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