I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
