i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
