i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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