Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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