It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
