There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
