Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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