so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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