So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
