i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
