i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
