It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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