Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
