I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
