Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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