she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
