I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
