my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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