So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
