I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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