Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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