When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
