i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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