I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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