dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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