Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
