I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm sobbing to NWA
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
