my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
