thus making me awesome and them whores
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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