Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
