Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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