I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
