Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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