Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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