i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
