she was so not down for the gang bang
I think im going to throw up on grandma
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
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I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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