Whod you bang
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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