I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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