Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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