Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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