He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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