my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
