i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
MIDGETS
????
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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