Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
