someone get that fucking seahorse.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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