we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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