Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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