I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
