I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
