I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
