I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
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What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
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You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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